My session on this past Friday was equally as exhausting as the first. I am becoming more vocal. Less meek in my interactions with my father and those around me. I have a voice. I don’t have to just lie down and accept verbal harassment and (calling it what it is) abuse. I can tell this is going to be a long road. I still mostly take the “high” road and avoid conflict with acceptance but in a few instances over the weekend I instantly clapped back when spoken to out of turn. Maybe I do have a backbone in there somewhere.
The biggest thing that has stuck in my mind since session was a conversation I had with my husband about our failing relationship. He said “I’ve made mistakes. You should forgive me for being human.” I have. Just my thought process has changed a bit. Dropping a pencil is a mistake. Having no directions to a place and taking a wrong turn is a mistake. Not paying attention and overfilling a glass is a mistake. Having sex with another person other than your spouse is a choice. Not a mistake. A choice. And to make that choice over and over clearly indicates you have no respect for your spouse.
There has never been a consequence for his choices though. Yes, I’ve stopped having a physical contact with him, and cried and yelled and even quit speaking to him for a few days, but there has never been in 11 years a point where I’ve drawn a line and said “no more”. Or “this stops now. I’m leaving you.” I can feel it starting to burn inside though. I can feel myself preparing for this battle. I don’t know when it will begin yet, or what the tipping point is going to be, but it’s coming. My focus is becoming more clear. I am preparing to take back my life. My hands no longer shake at the thought of finding my own path. There IS light in the darkness.