I’m finding it hard to write about these two sessions as they focused on my auto responses in my living situation. I’ve put it off due to the self analysis that it has created. I again have realized how preprogrammed I have become to accepting whatever is asked of me, told to me to do, or mentally forced on to me. My level of acceptance to any situation is tantamount to borderline slavery. What ever you wish, as you wish, when you wish is basically how I handle all things with my father. It keeps me from the degradation, the negative remarks about my intellect, my person, my choices, my existence in general. Almost everything is negative. Then I look at my facebook feed and I post funny stories about dad and the good things and days because I am still trying not to drown in the toxicity. I don’t know how to break the cycle short of moving out and leaving him to fend for himself. (Something I promised my mother I wouldn’t do.) It’s killing me. The whole situation. Is killing me. Killing my soul.
Oddly at the end of these sessions, I didn’t feel better. I didn’t feel like I was dealing with things better. I don’t feel like I’m stronger. I’m just exhausted. I can’t sleep enough, I can’t find any energy or joy. It’s been 3 days this way and I only pray that tomorrow’s session is more helpful. I can’t stand all of the negative energy I’m currently filled with. I just want peace.