I sent a video to a friend yesterday. The same kind of video I have sent a ton of times. Just a “hello”, with some encouragement, and positive thoughts. As soon as I made the video, I replayed it (of course) because don’t we all want to see what we look like in video?
Now, I speak to this person at least once a week on video calls. This person has seen me making dinner, outside working, chilling in my “Jenn cave”, in my vehicle, a ton of different times and places. Never once has it occurred to me that this person focuses on my face, my hair, my arms, my backfat, my missing tooth smile, (because now that’s a thing) or anything else other than our conversation or what we are doing. As I sat watching that played back video though, I had all of these thoughts in my head.
“oh god, look at those bags and circles under my eyes.” “Good grief is that silver at my temples?” “Uggghhh I have crows feet around my eyes.” “My smile is SO crooked!”
All of these negative thoughts poured over me! After that came the thought, “Stop that! This person is your friend! They don’t care about all of those things! They see your heart. Who you are inside.”
So I sent the video. This sent me in to a spiral of thoughts about why I am so self negating. The conclusion? I was taught to think this way. I was told and taught to be negative about my self imagine. By persons in my home life, at school, and in public. The challenge now, is to every day love myself. I need to love ME. Enough to choose myself, my path, my choices, my friends and acquaintances, my work, my passion. I have to love myself. How do I do that? I’m open to suggestions. I’ll start by having a mantra written on the mirror in my bathroom so it’s the first thing I see in the morning. “All in. On me. Every day. I am worthy of loving me.”
If you have other things to suggest, I look forward to hearing from you. I am listening.